it’s finals time here and consequently i have heard the phrase “academically ass-fisted” more times in the past 24 hours than you could possibly imagine. I am currently studying either Japanese, Finance, or Law. I propose a new kind of finance. here’s how it works: all cute girls sleep with me. all assholes are eliminated via machete. i become the ruler of the world, spreading joy, love, peace, and sex toys across the land. violence, poverty, hunger, and fake orgasms are eradicated. “kicking and screaming” is shown on tv every night, and only what I want to watch is on TV. i get chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream and massages whenever i want, and i never have to read another word of this self-serving pseudo-intellectual masturbatory drivel for as long as i live. rise up and fight the power.

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