I need a Jdate – Vowel Movement: The Homepage
The following is an open letter to Jdate.
To Whom it May Concern:
As a single Jew, I am writing to you about a problem I am having with your Jewish matchmaking service.
I have been a non-paying member of Jdate for the better part of three years now. There have been a few months here and there though where I broke down and paid the monthly membership fee, but immediately canceled it, so you wouldn’t continuously charge me every month. (I only paid for your service when I was really desperate for a date, and as you already know, I paid fairly often.)
While I am glad to hear about the success stories that have come from Jdate, like the featured couple this week, Barry and Linda (also known as “Aging Biker” and “Timmali”). I would like to make a success story of my own to add to your list. This is not only for me, but it is for my soul mate, who I believe is on your site. (It’s also for my grandparents, parents and the brother of this nice Italian girl I’ve been seeing -who doesn’t want me around his sister- who are bugging me to find a nice Jewish girl.)
Anyway, as I said, I’ve had a profile on your site for quite some time and have yet to get a date. I even followed your tips to writing a good profile to the “T,” yet the only person that has responded to my Jdate approved profile might have been a man (the picture was shot on an awkward angle and I thought I saw a suspicious bulge).
What’s my point? Well, I’ve tried everything from e-mailing the girls I think I would get along with to hot listing the girls that aren’t members, so maybe they’d try to find a way to contact me.
I even used your teases – every one of them – from the sincere to the romantic – and none have worked. By the way, do you really expect me to get a date, let alone an e-mail from someone after saying, “Wanna star on our own reality show” or, “Ed McMahon thinks I may already be a winner! Do you think so, too?” No wonder those things are free. You’d have to be a moron to use those … more than twice…
In all honesty, I am beginning to believe that Jdate isn’t for me. You told me that my “profile is the first impression you make, so put your best foot forward,” yet the guys who post profiles saying, “I don’t want to be with a Jappy girl,” gets all the women. I tell funny anecdotes, like how I asked my parents to let me switch my middle initial from an “I” to an “E,” just so my initials would look like this: J.E.W.
That’s funny jew shit. The women on your site want funny men – I’m a funny guy. I help run a successful humor magazine on the Internet. It’s starting to piss me off that I’m being overlooked for the Brad Pitt look-alike, who probably isn’t Jewish, posting about his lack of ambition, career and randomly sends an instant message to girls he doesn’t know saying, “Hey, you up for some casual cyber-heeb action?”
I am sick and tired of racking my brain of how to make these girls understand that despite the fact that I’m a short-haried, 26-year-old male with baby-fat, who is casually drunk in every picture taken of him since 1999, I’m a good guy. I’m the real deal, baby.
That brings me to what you’re going to do for me. Yeah, that’s right, it’s what you’re going to do for me, or there will be consequences.
You’re going to find me a nice Jewish girl – none of those non-Jews with profiles that snuck in under your gigantic noses – and you’re going to do the talking. You sold Jdate to the world, now sell me. I am not going to attend your Jewish movie festivals in New York City, nor will I attend your Matzo Ball mixer in Baltimore. It’s your job now…the matzo ball is in your court.
You’re going to get me a Jewish date, because you’re Jdate.
Now, if you don’t do this for me, what will happen besides the fact that you’ll never see another dime from me?
Well … I’ll convert.
Yeah. You’ll not only lose a customer on Jdate, you’ll lose a Jew to the ever-growing popularity of Christmas (or Ramadan). And believe me, the Jews can’t afford to be losing good looking studs left and right.
I always wanted to decorate my own Christmas tree, with blue, red and yellow ornaments, those long strings of Kix that wrap around the trees, and be able to leave cookies and milk at the foot of the hole I will put in the wall for that Santa to climb through.
I bet if I asked him for a Christian girl, he’d have no problem throwing one in a duffle bag and putting her under my tree. That, or he’d sign me up for eHarmony.com.
I don’t care if she’s a blonde, a brunette or a red head. Hell, I don’t care if she can read, write or see for that matter. I just want you to keep your promise of matching Jews across good ole U.S.A., instead of making me seem like one of those pervs paying for Internet porn when I pay to be a member, which is stupid, considering you let everyone put their AIM address in the profile … except me, of course.
I want a response before the next Shabbat. If I don’t hear from your people, I will call the church of ebay and bid on a glass of holy water. I like being Jewish, and I know you don’t want to feel the wrath of guilt from my family, so I know you’ll come through for me. And, yes, I do expect some action on the first date.
Jarad I. Wilk